| Subject: Angry 4-year-old
QUESTION:
Hi! I have a four-year-old son. His father & I
have been separated since before his birth. I'm a working mom five days
a week and on Saturdays I have my son. He is at his fathers house two
days while I'm at work and he has him Sundays. For three days a week he
is at a baby-sitter while I'm at work.
My son seems to be angry with me. No matter what I
do, if I buy him something, or play with him, he always talks back to
me, yells at me and other not nice things like hitting. He always tells
me that I'm not listening to him. He might get that from me because I
tell him that when I ask him to do something twenty times and still
doesn't. I don't spank him but I just yell instead. I know that's not
good either but when after the twentieth time of telling him something
it ticks me off. I just had him for the full weekend and he was like
Jeckyll and Hyde! It was amazing. I love him more than life but I don't
know what to do. His father seems to believe everything is my fault. He
doesn't help me support him either. Yet my son thinks daddy is so great.
I don't know how to discipline him anymore. Going to his room doesn't
help nor does turning off the TV. Also, he refuses to say
"sorry" when I ask him after he's yelled at me and I've said
"sorry". I really need some advice. My ears are open to any
suggestions.
Thank you, Tracey
JAN'S REPLY:
Hi Tracey,
First I want to say how terrific it is that you
are seeking help for yourself and your son, and that you recognize that
the punitive methods you have been using are not working.
The slogan on my web site, "All children
behave as well as they are treated" is really the best statement I
can make about why children become angry in some situations. However, it
is one thing to understand that punishment doesn't work. It is another
thing to understand what we should do, and can do, to help a child in a
gentle, non-punitive way - especially when we ourselves were not shown
how to do this by our own parents. I am grateful to you for reminding me
to add some material on alternatives to punishment, to my web site.
My article "The Parenting Golden Rule: One
Size Fits All" in the parenting section on my site, may be helpful
for you. The gist of it is that in responding to a child's behavior, we
can do no better than to remember the Golden Rule, and to treat him the
way we would like to be treated if we were in his position. The act of
looking at things from this perspective can help us to imagine
alternative approaches.
In the meantime, please take a look, if you
haven't already, at the following correspondence in the Parenting Advice
Column:
Also please see these articles in the
"Parenting" section on my site:
I especially hope that you are already sleeping
next to your son or would consider doing this. In your circumstances,
your time together is unfortunately very limited, and family co-sleeping
can be a big step in bringing the two of you closer emotionally (this
would be as therapeutic for you as for him). Many working mothers have
found that sharing the night with their child has brought about profound
and positive changes in their relationship.
After reading the letters and articles I listed,
please write again. Your statement that you "love him more than
life" convinces me that you have the capacity and the energy to
bring about important changes.
All the best,
Jan |
