| Statistics tell us that something has gone wrong in
our world. A steadily rising rate of social ills, and the
proliferation of self-help books and therapy techniques for
"reparenting the inner child" attest to the sad fact
that we have lost our way in raising our children.
It is up to us as parents - despite our personal limitations -
to give our children the right start in life: to help them become
fulfilled, emotionally healthy adults, capable of loving and
trusting others. Philosopher Blaise Pascal wrote that "the
entire ocean is affected by a pebble." Our children should be
like pebbles bringing forth waves of joy, not more sorrow and
suffering.
Current thinking about our failure to fulfill our children's
needs points to the importance of the earliest years of childhood,
making it clear that the first three years are especially
critical. What should we be doing during those years to ensure
that our children have the best chance of becoming healthy and
happy - as they deserve to be? Consider what a member of that age
group might recommend to us - if only they could speak:
I am eleven months old. I can't talk yet, so when I am
hungry, tired, wet, lonely, ill, or in pain, I cry. It is the only
means I have to let my parents know that something is wrong.
If my crying is ignored, all that happens is that my needs
become greater - I get even more miserable. On top of that, I have
to face the fact that apparently no one cares about me. I'm sure
Mommy would feel the same way if she were crying and Daddy ignored
her. Believing that no one cares about you is a very devastating
thought.
When my tears are ignored, I begin to believe that no matter
how hard I cry, and no matter what is wrong, no one will ever
come. If no one ever comes, I worry that I will die, because I
cannot meet my own needs yet. You see, I have no concept of time,
and two minutes is forever to me.
Sometimes I stop crying - but I am not learning patience - I am
learning despair. When I stop crying, it means that I have lost
all hope of ever being loved again, and all I feel is helplessness
and despondency. I worry that I will never learn to communicate
with words if I am not allowed to communicate with cries. And I
worry that if I feel this frustration too many times, I will
withdraw and stop feeling anything.
It sure can be frightening to think that no one cares enough
about me to meet my needs. In fact, when my cries are ignored, I
begin to think the world is a really bad place, and I worry that
this will give me a negative and selfish outlook on life. But when
my needs are met, I feel loved and secure enough to return that
love to others, and eventually to my own children. I do so want to
become a loving, caring person, but how will I learn to be like
that if I don't see examples of it?
I get very lonely if I am separated from my parents. For nine
months, my mother and I were inseparable, and I felt so much love
inside her. She was all I knew when I arrived on this strange
planet. It will require a certain amount of time - perhaps three
years or longer - before my sense of trust is established
and I am ready to spend extensive time with other caregivers. The
more secure I can feel now, the sooner that time will come. if I
am forced to face this separation before I am ready, it will take
a lot longer; in fact, I may never reach the level of maturity
that I hope to reach by the time I am an adult.
At night, I like to sleep next to my parents. Being able to
touch them and hear them during the dark hours of the night are my
only means of knowing that they have not disappeared. There are
other reasons for wanting them near: their presence helps to
regulate my heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature and
sleeping cycles, and their breathing regulates my own breathing.
I love to breastfeed. Breast milk is the best food for me; it
contains important substances, not found in formula, which will
help to keep me healthy for many years. When Mommy breastfeeds,
she produces a hormone which keeps her happy too. Best of all,
breastfeeding keeps Mommy and me close.
I have no desire to take unfair advantage of my parents. I love
them very deeply. I am simply asking for the same care that was
given to babies for thousands of years until recent history. If my
needs are met, I will be free to demonstrate all the love and
trust I was born with. All I want is a chance to express that love
fully.
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