Praising our Children: Manipulation or
Celebration?
by Jan Hunt, M.Sc.
In recent years, several writers have recommended that parents
abstain from praise as well as criticism. They see praise as a form of
parental manipulation of the child's behavior - more subtle than blame
and criticism, but harmful nonetheless. I have certainly seen parents
using praise in this way. But I have also seen it take place in a way
that I consider normal and healthy. After much thought and discussion
with colleagues, I've come to believe that avoidance of praise in
toto is "throwing the baby out with the bathwater". While
we should refrain from harmful, artificial kinds of praise, there does
exist a more genuine variety that springs from the heart in a joyful
way, and that gives our children what they most need: our genuine loving
support.
In discussions like this, it is essential to define one's terms. By
"artificial praise", I mean words that are used deliberately
with the intention of reinforcing a specific behavior, toward a goal
that is the parents', and not necessarily the child's.
Examples:
"Tell Grandma thank-you. Good girl!"
"Be a good boy and give your sister the toy... good for
you!"
By "genuine praise" I mean loving words that arise
spontaneously and warmly from the parent's heart, without any thought of
manipulation of the child's behavior.
Examples:
"Wow! What a beautiful card you made for me!
Thank you!"
"Oh, you swept the floor! What a nice surprise!"
The key difference between these two kinds of praise is our
intention. Are we simply expressing feelings of delight in the
present moment, or is it our intention to train the child's future
behavior by the careful giving and withholding of our approval?
Obviously, if we mete out love and approval to our children when they
are "good", and withhold it when they are "bad", we
are taking serious liberties with our power over them. We are also
giving the same harmful message that all punishment gives: the child is
loved conditionally, when and only when he or she meets with our
approval. It is every parent's responsibility to avoid this kind of
manipulation. But in trying to avoid it, if we are then afraid to voice
any positive statements, and withhold our true selves, we are missing
the chance to have a genuine relationship with our child. In a sense, we
are no longer fully present to the child. In so doing, we may be giving
up some of the most joyous moments in any relationship: the spontaneous
words and gestures that celebrate the love and joy between us.
