"The birch is used only out of bad temper
and weakness,
for the birch is a servile punishment which degrades the soul
even
when it corrects, if indeed it corrects, for its usual effect is
to harden."
- Saint John Baptiste de La Salle, On the
Conduct of Christian Schools, 1570
This is a note to the many parents who defend spanking on the
basis of their religious beliefs. I find this argument mystifying,
as love is defined in the Bible as being patient and kind1.
Hitting a child is neither patient nor kind, and does not
accomplish the true goal intended. It only produces feelings of
anger, resentment, and low self-esteem, not the genuine willing
cooperation the parent seeks. Adults too would cooperate with
someone who threatened or hit them, but they would do so only
through fear, and only if the other person held more power.
Genuine cooperation comes from the heart. The only cooperation
worth having is that which is given freely by a child, not
because he has been frightened into obedience, but because he
feels loved, respected, and understood, and consequently wants to
treat his parents with love and respect in return.
Sometimes parents justify spanking by saying they do it only
when they are "calm". Although I wish no parent ever hit
a child, I would prefer to hear that they spank only when they are
angry; at least that would make some logical sense to the child,
and be consistent with what he is learning about human nature. If
a parent is indeed "calm", then he should be able to
think clearly enough to discover more creative and positive ways
to resolve a problem.
All punishment is emotionally dangerous and mind-warping.
Associating so-called "love" with the deliberate
infliction of pain is deeply confusing to a child, because children
know in their hearts that love and pain are inconsistent. This
kind of confusion, if experienced often enough, can lead to
masochistic, sadistic, or other pathological behavior in
adulthood, in which love and pain are associated - hence the
strange "spankings wanted" personal ads in some
newspapers.
It may be helpful to consider the most common reasons a child
"misbehaves"2:
-
The child is trying to fulfill a legitimate need which has
been ignored too long. She may be hungry, thirsty,
overtired, or may simply need a reassuring hug, or some
undistracted respectful listening. Such needs can be met
easily if the child has not had to wait too long (indeed most
children are surprisingly patient), but if continually
postponed, can lead to a lengthy conflict, with tantrums,
crying, hitting, and other kinds of misbehavior. The proverb
that "a stitch in time saves nine" is most apt in
parenting.
-
The child lacks information. An infant reaches for a
hot object because she does not yet know about such hazards; a
toddler "takes" an item in a store because he is
simply too young to understand about stealing; a child runs
into a street because he doesn't fully understand the dangers.
If a child misbehaves due to a lack of information, it is our
responsibility to provide this, not the child's responsibility
to know something he does not know. It is unfair and
ineffective to punish a child because she lacked information,
and a punished child will be too distracted with feelings of
anger, resentment, and fantasies of revenge to learn the
lesson intended. In this way, punishment diverts the child's
attention from the matter at hand, and thus interferes with
learning - at precisely the best time for this learning to
take place.
-
The child is emotionally upset or physically distressed.
He may be frightened, angry, confused, jealous, disappointed,
or he may have other intense feelings because of whatever
happened just prior to the misbehavior. He may be misbehaving
because of the discomfort of an impending illness or the high
histamine levels associated with allergy. It is not really so
difficult to understand the reasons for a child's (or an
adult's) behavior if we simply put ourselves in their place. Children
are not an alien species; just like adults, they all
behave as well as they are treated.
If we try to change a child's behavior without attending to
these natural, universal, and understandable feelings and needs,
we do not help the child, because the underlying problem has not
been dealt with. Consequently, the child learns nothing about how
to handle similar problems in the future. There is no specific
information in a spanking, and any verbal direction - constructive
or not - that is given at the time cannot be heard by a
frightened, angry, and resentful child. The most timely
opportunity for the child to learn something important has been
lost.
Simply forcing a child, by means of our greater size and power,
to meet our needs does not resolve the real issues which led to
the behavior. The unwanted behavior - or another kind of
misbehavior - will recur until the child's legitimate needs are
met, her feelings are understood and accepted, and she feels truly
loved and secure.
It is inevitable that sometimes the child's needs will conflict
with our own, but this is not the child's fault any more than when
the needs of two adults conflict. The difference is that parents
are in a position of superior power which they can - but should
not - misuse. It is wrong and unfair for the strong to overcome
the weak by force, and there are always alternatives. If we use
our creativity, we can resolve conflicts in a positive and
compassionate way. Indeed, any negativity or force in conflict
resolution simply creates more conflict. Because of this,
punishment and misbehavior can quickly escalate into a vicious
cycle, with parent and child locked in a struggle for power. The
parent, having more power by virtue of his size, parental role,
and one-sided laws that protect adults - but not children - from
physical aggression, can always win such a struggle, at least
until the child reaches the teenage years and is physically strong
enough to rebel.
The only message in punishment is rejection. The unbearable
pain of being rejected by those who are so important to the
child's very survival will require him to deny his true feelings.
As it is too painful to believe that a loved parent is
deliberately hurting him, the child instead begins to believe that
punishment is appropriate and proper behavior for a parent, that a
child misbehaves because he is "bad", and that
"bad" children deserve to be hurt. It is in this way
that misconceptions about children's behavior and the proper way
to respond to that behavior, continue through the generations.
As children learn most clearly by example, true loving guidance
consists of patience, trust, acceptance, and understanding shown
to the child by the parents. A child who is punished often enough
may appear "cooperative" on the surface, but the hidden
anger and resentment - unless it is directly recognized and dealt
with - can accumulate over the years until the child feels strong
enough to express it to those who have hurt him; angry teenagers
do not fall from the sky. Then the parents give up on
"discipline" because it no longer "works". But
kind parents who treat their children with respect, understanding,
and patient explanations find that this "method"
continues to work - through infancy, toddlerhood, childhood, the
teenage years, and beyond into adulthood. When the parent in later
years is in need of care, the child will then happily return the
love and assistance he was given in childhood.
We can feel confident that the kindnesses we show to our
children when they are young will return to us tenfold. Sadly, we
can also be confident that punishment will convey continued
anguish to future generations.
"When a Christian parent tells a child who is about to
be punished that 'Jesus teaches that you must receive the rod,'
he cannot justify this with any text from the Gospels. Jesus
never advocated any such punishment. Nowhere in the New
Testament does Jesus approve of the infliction of pain upon
children by the rod or any other such implement, nor is he ever
reported to have recommended any kind of physical discipline of
children to any parent... In the New testament, only two unknown
men - one the author of Hebrews, the other the author of
Revelation - can be cited by even the most literal-minded
Christians. The practice thus rests upon only the most fragile
new Testament foundation."
Spare
the Child: The Religious Roots of Punishment and the Psychological
Impact of Physical Abuse
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